Nobody Likes to Be Told No!
From children to adults.
We were at the ice cream store. My two-year-old granddaughter was opening the freezer doors. I told her not to do that because she was letting the cold out. Suddenly the door banged into my elbow and gave me the old familiar “funny bone” feeling. I turned around and saw her smiling and swinging on the door. I grabbed her by the arm and said, “No!” I didn’t yell but was pretty firm.
She stood by her dad for a minute. Her dad picked her up and she began to cry. He looked at me and said, “That’s too much for a baby.”
My wife looked at me and said, “That’s too much for a baby.”
I was being told No!
I didn’t like it much either.
My brain immediately did what most of our brains do. It began defending my actions. She did stop. She wasn’t stopping. She doesn’t seem to pay attention to anybody else.
Do children need more forceful discipline? I looked at my older grandchildren. They seem to be turning out alright.
So, rather than being right, I asked myself, “What if I’m wrong? What could I have done differently?”
I certainly could have used a softer tone. I could have explained that she hurt me by hitting me with the door. She would have understood. She wouldn’t want to hurt her grandpa.
Next time, I’ll take that approach. I’ve done something similar in the past.
However, I also think we need to experiment a little. What is working?
A family brought their children to my office for chiropractic care. They were constantly yelling at the kids. I knew there were no consequences at home. The children hadn’t learned discipline.
Aren’t the children who don’t learn discipline at home also the difficult children in the classroom? How do we teach discipline?
I have raised four children and now watch seven grandchildren. I don’t think there is a one way to teach discipline. Different things motivate different people. I also know there are stages of development. Some children will change as they get older.
I have seen reasoning work with one of my grandkids at a very early age. Much earlier than I would have imagined. On the other hand, if a child doesn’t respond to reasoning, some other consequence must be found. That will depend on the child.
What about adults? I certainly wasn’t told No! I was given the reason why my action was too much. A first response was to be right. However, after studying my thinking and my actions, I decided to change.
What if I didn’t? Are adults any different than children? Hopefully, adults reason their way to better behavior. I didn’t want to be told again. How often do we choose to defend our actions rather than change? Too often, I think.
I had an interaction with my neighbor today. We had some trees trimmed. One is on the property line between us. So, I asked her about climbing the tree. She agreed. Another tree is on her property but had a dead branch extending over our fence. She agreed to have the branch taken off at the trunk. I thought it was a good time to ask her about extending the fence. She couldn’t talk about it. She is still upset that we replaced the chain link fence with cedar. She was trying to claim the property to the fence line. We own about a foot and a half on her side of the fence. I only replaced about half the fence. I didn’t know where the property line was. Now that I know where the property line is, I want to replace the rest.
In her mind, I took her land. She thinks she was “grandfathered in” because the fence was there when she bought the house. When we moved in, she told us that the fence wasn’t on the line and that former owners let her use the land. We were okay with that. She had planted flowers and bushes right along the fence. Eventually, I realized that she was trying to take my property. I tried to explain the law to her. I told her that I wanted to build something that she would be happy with. We couldn’t discuss it.
Why do I mention my neighbor? It is another instance of being told no. I’m not going to let her take my land. She is not happy. She is creating discomfort in her life. Would she be happier if she could consider - what if I’m wrong? I think she would be.
Whether children or adults, consider how you tell people no. If you are being told no, consider how you handle it. What should you do differently?
Life is all about positive and negative reinforcement. Learn and grow!